Testimonials
As I write this, I am very annoyed but doing it because she has told me to. I have no affection for the lifestyle unless it involves her. She has made me do things I would never do for anyone else. I am afraid at some point she will command me to do something that I strongly oppose and I am not sure how I will react. She has taken an almost straight vanilla man and turned him into a submissive in only two weeks.
I have only known her for two weeks and have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. Sometimes I am not sure I can continue to see her because I see her as another woman I want to conquer but know I can not have her. I am a normal man who has always been in charge and I can not figure out my own behavior or why I do the things I have done for her. No one who knows me would ever believe the following things and sometimes I don’t. I alternate between thinking she is the most wonderful woman I have met and then wishing that I had never met her. In any event, she is one of the most memorable women I have ever met and will be impossible to forget. I am beginning to think that she is manipulating me in ways that I do not understand right now and am afraid of future demands she may make of me. I know I can walk away but there is something that keeps pulling me back. I hope she appreciates me because it would be emotionally devastating to be submissive to someone who did not care. Sometimes I really don’t know what I want from this relationship but I keep coming back. I am not a worm without an outside life I am married with a family. I am highly educated and a decorated combat veteran. My pride and her power are constantly in conflict. I have not slept well in two weeks because I want to walk away but I don’t. I am not sure that I will be able to do what she expects of me but I know I probably will try.
The first time I contacted my Mistress was on a lark. I was bored and looking for something to occupy one night. I had played before with one pro dome and it was fun but it was basically me telling the domme what I wanted to do. The first time I saw my Mistress I was stunned. She is obviously beautiful but she walks with confidence and pure sexuality. I was struck by her intelligence and drive. Not knowing what Mistress would look like or whether we would click, I originally had only planned a ½ hour session for foot worship – I soon asked if we could session for an hour. What legs and toes! What a foot slut I have become for her. To suck her toes while looking up her skirt is such a frustrating sexual experience. To watch her walk and dance is pure sex and desire. Our first night was just getting to know each other but I was hooked.
Our second session two days later was such a change. I requested nothing – I submitted. I was in a different place and time. I wanted her toes; I wanted her to flog me harder. Her smiles, her laugh made me feel like no other woman. She had asked at one time if I had ever played with needles. I had not and had not desire to! The needles came out that night and she told me she was going to pierce my arms. WTF?! This is more than I had bargained for but I submitted. I am NOT a pain puppy. I hate doctors, hospitals, and needles but I sat. What a combination that pain, beauty, sex, and words of approval make for – surreal. I went home and rubbed my arms and had an instant erection.
Our third meeting was two days later – I was now addicted. I had told her I was claustrophobic with a particular distaste of handcuffs from a previous experience in a Mexican jail. That night the handcuffs came out – she did not ask. How did she know I would submit? I don’t know. I don’t know why I did not use my safe word. I now trusted and submitted. I was also put in the locked cage while she heated wax to remove the hair from my genitals. Absolute terror! I listened to her heels on the floor above, begging her to return. At that particular point in time I was a little puppy waiting for his Mistress to return. Waxing was no fun but I submitted. After that it was time for more needles. This time it would be two arms and two nipples. God! What pain! I was out of my mind. I have had a 3rd degree burn and have been shot. Only those two things exceeded that. Where was my mind? Why did I let her do it? I could smell her hair – that was enough. I asked her that night if she would consider collaring me. She said yes. I now had the need to write and call her every day.
A week passed. I rubbed my sore nipples and had an erection. I alternately loved her and hated myself. Yes, I have strong feelings for her and they are both sexual and loving. It was a long week waiting to see her. We discussed a contract for submission. I questioned my own sanity. At our last meeting the sensations and time ran together. She placed me in the cage and I did not resist. She came in also and I sucked her toes and licked her legs. I would have died for her that night. She now had me. She waxed my genitals some more. When she went to get the wax I asked her to put me in the cage. That night she also pierced my arms and the head of my penis. I am now at the point that I think she is trying to turn me into a pain puppy. I don’t know if I like it or not – I do it for her. I don’t like the pain but as I write this and think about it, my penis has become hard. I do wish my Mistress would try different things with me but as a mark of my submission I never make requests. Although the thought repulses me, I have agreed to participate in forced homosexual acts if she so commands. The last night we sat on her couch and I held her while she dozed. No pain, no lust, no desire, just a warm feeling of wanting to protect and love her. The emotional roller coaster was in motion and has never stopped. I wish I could sleep.
I am waiting for our next session in two days. I am also waiting to review the contract and questioning whether I can live up to her expectations. Tonight I became sexually and mentally frustrated. I called and made an appointment to see an escort – I was going to prove to myself that I was still a real man and in-control of my desires and my life. On the way there I called and cancelled. I was in a terrible mood when I retuned home – I was disappointed in my manhood and mad that I have so submitted to a woman. When I opened my email I read the message that my Mistress commanded me to write this before 10 am the next morning. I was really angry and sat and pouted for a while. Initially I told myself I would not do it. As you can read, I did. At this time, I do not know whether my pride or my submission will win.
Cowboy Junkie
